life is a flower

Saturday, 12 December 2009

  • damn close shave


    It has been more than 5 years since I have obtained my driving license. Since then, I have never been involved in any road traffic accident, ever.

    There were near misses, nothing much that I would have remembered prominently. But what had happened today really gave me some food for thought.

    ----------------

    I was on my way to the pool. Somewhere around 5.30 pm-ish, traffic was busy as usual near this off duty hours. While trailing behind some cars at the traffic light, I noticed that the line had not been moving as fast even when the light was green. It turned out to be that a white Iswara (old model) was having some problem. Thinking that it will be a while, I switched to the other lane and moved on. Surprisingly, the lane of which I was in - started to clear - the Iswara having a go as well. Nothing too unusual I guess.

    5 minutes have went by since that traffic light junction. I was on the left lane as per routine, nothing really excites me for moving too fast. In front of me was a mini lorry with a boxed compartment: the one you'll see moving frozen goods such as iced cubes for drinks.

    Then it happened.

    I was moving at about 60 km/hr. My usual speed, snail-pace for my brother/father. And in fact it is kinda slow for todays fast-and-furious standards. The mini lorry was about 15 metres away from me - my distance was kept well.

    Then I saw the rear brake lights being jammed for quite a while. I pressed on mine as well. Not completely, but by increasing force, just enough to decrease my speed. I though the lorry was slowing down, while still moving forward at the same time. Typical mobility of a moving vehicle.

    Or was it?

    60 km/hr. The bright amber lights have not been put off. The shade of the lorry gets bigger and bigger as the seconds past by. I was getting nearer - carrying the momentum of a thousand kilos. It then strucked me that I shall be on a collision path inevitably.

    Adrenaline kicked in. I hit the brakes gradually to dampen the effect of the Newton's Law. Then braked hard as I was merely inches away from kissing the back of the lorry. Thank goodness my dear Kenari has outstanding brakes which have proved well ample times before. Proven again this very day.




    Anatomy of disaster, dissected.

    I glanced on my rear window and saw another marooned-coloured Kenari sweverring to the left - I am damn sure he had the same moment of panic as I am. Yet unlike him - I have this tendency of not rerouting to avoid a collision. It will always be the approach of gradual halt before coming to a complete stop.

    Surprise had turned to anger.

    The lorry in front of me was reversing slowly. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THE DRIVER THINKING!

    Sensing that the figure of my Kenari was hidden from the view of the lorry's side mirrors - I honked my hearts out. It was an intent to inform and to scream some unreleased obscenities as well. I was damn sure this lorry is the culprit.

    By some time the lorry changed lane and moved away. Then, I saw that damn white figure again.

    THAT CRAPPY ISWARA.

    Damn, damn sure that it had suddenly died in the middle of the road. Fucking again?! After the first sign that it had died and the damn driver still persistently drove that junk on public road. I WAS ENRAGED!!! I could have been a statistic just because of some stupid person's mistake. And even if I could had knocked the back of the lorry - the fault was still mine. I damn fuckingly hit somebody from the rear. My damn fault.

    Why the bloody fucking hell didn't the bloody fucking idiotically driver with shit brains - didn't at least turned the hazard lights on? At least it could have given the vehicles behind him time to be more cautious of that moving junk.

    I was thinking to just parked my car near the road side, catch up to the driver and gave him a lecture. But I was patient. Not even seeing some passengers of the car hauling that junk with their muscles moved my emotion into pity zone. I WAS FURIOUS!!!

    Thankfully, I had patience. And loads of it.

    --------------------

    What does this taught me?

    1. Shit happens even with the most careful and good of people.
    2. some people does shitty things and it goes to you
    3. life is short and unpredictable

    I know that I will not suffer injury to the extent of being fatally wounded even if I hit that lorry. My speed was not that great to cause such damage. But if it did, my clean record would have been tarnished. And that car behind me may have been another factor I have not calculated as another effect.

    I dunno.

    I was not overly panic. That's typical me. But I was angry. Angry that my fate may have been altered by the doing of some reckless people. Angry that it was a near miss. A very close shave.

    I drove off to my destination with the thought that death comes unsuspectingly in many ways. It reaffirms my stance that life is something to be treated with much respect and to be cherished with utmost grace. I am not afraid of it, I just want to enjoy my life to the fullest extent with little regrets of wasted times. And I don't want to die in a road traffic accident - such wasteful death for me. Dangerous or risk-taking behaviours to me is an excuse for people who are fearful of the unknown. Look at me - I was careful and still danger came my way.

    ----------------------

    I am determined to get my hands on bungie jumping and diving with Great White sharks in the open someday.

Monday, 07 December 2009

  • in what I have failed to do



    Every Sunday, when this prayer comes sweeping in... there is a sense of guilt and humility that engulfs me as I ran word by word through the very end. This is one prayer which struck home for me. And deeply.

    I confess..... yes, I confess that I have sinned.

    through my own fault... Who else then? I don't think that I have ever sinned due to the doing of others. And for the most part, I was well aware of my doing - yet still being ignorant. I believe most of us dwell in this state.

    in my thoughts...  oh, how many times have that happened.

    and in my words...  Used to. And thankfully, not much. I have seen way too many revelations of hurt that occur when one was angry - of which I have been in such predicament. It hurts so much even until now. Now, my patience and my ability to restraint my anger through words have increased many folds, for I have seen the devastating effect that one slip of word can make. Never make a judgement when you are angry, or take a judgement from an angry human.


    and... in what I have failed to do

    Uttering this phrase really hurt my heart. It reminds me of the various things in life of which, I wish... I could have done better. Things of the past - dwelling on the many moments of my life of carrying this task of being a nurse. I thought of the the times when I wish I was better prepared with experience and knowledge in caring or saving the people who was under my care. Yes, some people died. I don't really know if I have done it right, or if I have done more, of if I have done enough at all. I just don't know. But given the chance, I'll do better. Yet the worst part of this is that, I can't go back and undo what's done.

    ------------------

    I have let go some of the regrets. But of those that is hard to peel off, makes a painful reminder to be more careful in the coming times. Repent alone is not enough.

Saturday, 05 December 2009

  • a life well lived






    Best things to invest in life

    1  health

    2  knowledge, experience and wisdom

    3  spiritual enlightenment

    4  self actualization


    Best things I've done to myself so far

    1  taking chances

    2  being happy of what makes me, me

    3  moving on

    4  saying no to things

    5  being patient


    I don't know what God's plan is for me. Having lived an existence of 28 years, I have recently come to a stage where I am able to look back at the life that I have left, and suddenly felt very contend and happy with what I have done with it. A life well lived. I have no regrets with the things I've done nor do I feel that I have not achieved enough. I have lived a path that showed me things about this world that taught me a lot about what life is.

    And I guess for the first time in my life - I am ready for death. I have settled a few matters of spiritual faith with Him, my beliefs and my definition of beliefs and the afterlife. Beings His servant, I believed that I've done my fair share of being a caregiver to the sick, though I am lacking in the worshiping department. I prayed to Him everyday (though I think it's just me filling a minor self requirement), I tried to attend Mass every weekend, and I think of Him every single time. My sins as a human while living this life may have negated a few of those things though. Never mind - that's between me and Him.

    So I guess this is it?

Thursday, 03 December 2009

  • in the mean while


    Well, this has been one of the boldest and craziest things I have been doing for a while - still on temp job after three months. Still waiting for that one offer to come through. They said that they will contact me once I got through the first hurdle - end of November I was informed. Come December - still no phone call. Well, I'll wait again until next year. If not, I'll go into overdrive mode and begin my usual work hunting by sending out resumes and filling forms. They will always be work for a nurse. I've been through this many times, I am not even one inch worried. It's all about doing what and where.

    So far, I am doing my part time in the ER. The place has the tendency to be very busy and the staffing has the tendency to be really erratic. Now, I am a firm believer that it is actually the nurses who runs the place. Nurse gets an order running, call for the labs, fetch stat medications from the pharmacy, arrange for rooms and admissions, answer phone enquiries, orders for supplies and stuff, fetch people from places (or go to places) - while at the same time still doing the old nursing duties. Seeing all of these nonsense once again have sparked that anger and resentment of mine with the current working system. It has also reaffirms my decision of going into the path of academia. I am no willing to deal with this kind of shit anymore. And this time, I know well and better.

    As for the time being - I will continue on with the ER part timer. Of all the bad things - it has enabled me to regain back some things I used to do there. What I lost though, were some sense of seniority and respect as a ex-staff there by some individual. There were even times when I felt like I was viewed as being incompetent or inexperienced - but by a very little few. Yet surprisingly - I have better appreciation by most specialists and new colleagues, so yeah - this could be an individual thing. Disagreement over a few matters, I have spoken what's on my mind on a few occasions, guess some people can't take a backfire. Let it be. I am here to fill a void and I have been working for a while in many places - hell no, I am not inexperienced.

    Still enjoying my three days off. I am not gonna answer for any requests for duty.

Tuesday, 01 December 2009


  • I have been starting a lot of IVs these days that I am no longer amused or fearful of such order.



    Roughly in a day, I'll be doing about 10-20 starts, excluding doing venepuncture (blood taking) or when requested to set a line by the Radiology department staff. Once in a blue moon, I'll be asked to go upstairs, into the ward to assist with such procedure (especially when they said that they failed after repeated attempts - but for me in the ER, we must get the sample or get the line no matter what).

    With the exceptions of paediatric patients under the care or specialist, or any paediatric patients below the age of six years old - I have no reservation in trying.

    These days, I have a success rate of about 90%. For overall success rate in establishing a line with repeated attempts - the number goes to about 93%. Very, very rarely for me these days to request the assistance of a colleague when I can't get the vein. And as for asking the help of the doctor? So far none at all in the A+E. Except that one time when we had a patient whose relatives consisted of almost all being doctors. Really made a lot of fuss and being fussy. Me and my colleague would have poked him anyway if not for the commotion. But they prefer doctors or specialist anyway. Come to think of it - who does a lot more of the poking anyway?

    Male or female, children or adults, fair or dark skin - is not an issue as long as the vein can be seen and be felt. I used to think that these variables create different problems that may arise. Thin, fragile veins... fatty arms... deep vessels..... those are the culprits.

    And of course confidence of the nurse.

    I have no reservation in poking a patient three times now. Had even poked somebody 5 times until I am successful in getting his blood sample. Plus, most of the time I am doing the assessment on my own. Nobody to consult or advise. I am angry of this system sometimes. Always shortage of staffing everywhere I work. Somebody ought to supervise and educate.

    But you will always end up learning from mistakes and by working alone.

    Damn this system. This is not the proper way to learn.

    And to sum up this entry - I end up doing a lot of pricks because nobody else is left to do it. Failure is nonexistent until I tried. Success is a must (isn't that ironic?). Courage and confidence - plus being 'selamba' and 'buat donno' must be there.

    Tough job.


BlueFabian

  • Visit BlueFabian's Xanga Site
    • Name: Fabian
    • Metro:
    • Birthday: 4/26/1981
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 1/21/2006

Profile Info

  • Interests: Being curious and jovial, thinking of small little things that matter, finding the answer to life's simple queries and living my time in this heaven of mine
  • Occupation: Nurse

Recent Weblogs